“Break our hearts, oh God
Break our hearts.
Break our hearts, Oh God.
Break our hearts.

For the sin in our lives,
Break our hearts…..”
(Break Our Hearts by Billy Foote)

One of the greatest challenges adjusting to this new life has been the challenge of having staff around us nearly all the time. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for them, because without them our life is super chaotic and exhausting. However, when everyone is doing as they should most of everything in my house and in my life is touched by other people and as you probably know from your own experience no one does it “just like you would,” and no one appreciates your “stuff” like you do because it isn’t theirs. And they might have done twenty things right but the two things they did wrong would make me so upset that it consumed my thoughts and conversations with Charles.

It was not a good place to be. It was actually what I would consider an ugly place to be.

And because of this, I have struggled.

Over the past several weeks I have had a difficult time figuring out how to cultivate the home environment that I so long to have in my house. I want anyone who enters our home to feel warm, loved and most importantly, feel the love of Christ when they come into our home…. No matter what.

No matter if they are there 5 minutes or 5 hours, whether they do a great job or a poor job or even if they steal from us.

And this kind of atmosphere doesn’t just come from the smell of baking cookies in the oven and a nice candle lit….I have long since believed that it usually starts in the heart of the woman in the home….

But how can this happen when you are upset and angry all the time?

Through a lot of prayer we have prayed that the Lord would provide Charles and I with the wisdom of how to conduct our lives and to give us the supernatural ability to show Christ love to others….

But I was blinded to the constant bitterness that had been building.

As my bitterness and anger was building, that atmosphere that I longed to have was quickly vanishing with nothing left and I even began to influence Charles to have my attitude.

But after rubbing my contact out of my eye while driving the other night (yes, things that only happen to me) I had a great unexpected prayer time with Lord as I was waiting to be rescued. I was begging and pleading with the Lord to show me and break me where I needed to be broken so that the mess I have been making can be fixed and cleaned up. And God in his amazing grace, answered my prayer. He began to show me what is important. And as Charles reminded me of what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:19-21 “Don’t collect for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves don’t break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

This is a lesson that I thought I learned years ago but realize I must learn it again.

The Lord has given us an amazing and beautiful house to be able to live our lives for Him in, but something so amazing that the Lord gave us somehow I let get in the way because of my own sinfulness.

The gift given needed to fulfill His call, I let become the stumbling block. I was so focused on trying to protect it that it was invading my entire life.

I was broken….

And through my tears I shared with Charles what I knew God was showing me. I was broken for all the sin that had so quickly filled up my life and I longed for a different attitude.

I am a long way from figuring it all out and getting to the level of balance that is needed but I am so grateful for the brokenness the Lord has brought in my life. I pray He continues to work in my life and shape me into the person that is more like Christ and who I need to be to live this life He has called me to.

I know that most likely dealing with staff is not your struggle, but whatever your struggle may be…. I know the Lord will meet you where you are to shape and mold you into the person you too need to be. With brokenness there is such a sweet freedom and peace that the Lord so graciously gives us. But Satan so often wants us to believe the lie that our lives are so much better if we hold on to them and not give them up. But it’s because he does not want us to have that peace and freedom

Our most gracious heavenly Father is the Potter…. We are the clay… So grateful that he is still working on me!